Teens: When you get them, you’ve got them
n my conversations with parents of teenagers over the years, I've heard a common (and real) concern: "I feel like I'm losing my daughter/son." I could do a quick piece on cognitive restructuring and inform parents that they are not losing their child; the relationship is changing and they are no longer parenting a small child. That is very true, and accepting that reality takes time, but there are some practices adults and parents can put into place immediately if they want to improve their relationships with teens or at least, understand more about them.
One of the greatest sources of frustration in any relationship is the belief that the person to whom we are talking doesn't understand our perspective. We can explain our position this way or thay way...we may even have another person explain it for us. Unfortunately, nothing seems to work. Often times, this is exactly how teens perceive their parents and other adults when it comes to understanding them: they just don't "get" them. And this may not simply be because the adult lacks empathy; sometimes it is because the teen fails to explain themselves, for fear that they will be judged. But there may be another underlying reason.
Research shows that most of our communication takes place in the context of tone and body language: it is not so much what we say but how we say it. Our facial expressions can speak volumes. When it comes to trying to communicate with teens, things become even more complex. Neuroscientists like Dr. Yurgelun-Todd of the University of Utah found that teens use a different part of their brain when reading facial expressions. While conducting research at Harvard in 2006, Yurgelun-Todd discovered that teens identified facial expressions quite differently than adults. So, while adults may read a facial expression as fear, teens may see anger. In the context of a conversation, while a parent or teacher is trying to communicate disappointment to an adolescent, that teenager may react quite defensively. Add in the fact that teens experience emotions 2-3 times greater than adults...you can see where I'm going with this.
Whenever I work with parents, counselors and teachers, I stress the importance of trying to remove judgement from any conversation with adolescents. Although we may not judge them with our words, our faces may say something else; so it is crucial to be mindful of whether our eyebrow is up or we shake our head in disapproval. Even with all of this, they may be misreading us, so I invite adults to following up their comments with, "do you understand what I'm saying?" or it may be more beneficial to ask that 14 year-old if they could sum up what you just said to them.
This is no easy task, especially when what you're hearing might be very upsetting, but if we want to hear more from our teens, learn more from them and understand more about them, we have to let them know we are interested. And this learning is rarely on our terms: teens will open up when they are ready...maybe at 11:30 pm on a Monday night after an exhausting day.
When teens feel heard and are understood, free of judgement, they will feel like you get them...and then you've got them. I now begin most of my presentations with this simple quote.